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it’s a shame

sometimes i feel intensely weak and ashamed of not having lived more of a traditional, or socially acceptable life.

no relationship, no kids, no money, aging car, renting someone’s bedroom, credit card debts i can’t pay, no steady job, some loose aspirations, but no clear goals or drive or ambitions.

yes, i have made some poor choices, and i have some habits that need adjusting. but, it affords me a lot of free time to sit in coffee shops to read, research, youtube, crossword, ponder, write, and wonder. i also walk or hike 5 to 10 km per day, most often in the woods.

but, what’s wrong with that? why have i persistently allowed my mind and the beliefs of others to demonize, debase, and destroy the enjoyment of how i choose to live?

i’ve felt it most intensely when someone comes along that i’m interested in, as for a relationship. the incredible weight of conformity programs kick into high gear, and instantly i’m trying to be anybody but me.

while i consider myself to be giving, kind, generous, accommodating, patient, loving, and supportive (aren’t we all, in healthy environments?), the strange unconscious energy — to make myself seem worthy of their love — is enough to push all those things i find becoming of a decent human being into overdrive.

what’s worse, is i overcompensate for that which the love interest isn’t bringing to the table, excusing shitty behavior, compromising my sanity, my values, my money, time and energy, and my genuine enjoyment of the relationship.

i’m pretending to feel like i am enough, while pretending they are good enough for me. incompatibility 101.

ever tried wearing the right-hand glove on your left hand? sure, it still functions, but it’s stupid to pretend it is ok, for anything more than a moment, or for a laugh.

the worst part, however, is when i am feeling depressed or anxious, and shove it down, or aside, or ignore, or excuse, or minimize the suffering — because i don’t want to come across as weak.

it’s an unhealthy, vicious cycle, because it fosters powerlessness, hopelessness, and further dis-ease. sometimes, it’s enough to shut me down for a few days. learning to regulate these energies takes tremendous effort and might be easier with counseling.

it’s tricky, because a lot of this stuff can only arise in the relationship dynamic. we don’t know what we don’t know until something makes it known — through triggers or circumstances that expose them.

as i’ve been “single” a lot more than not in this life, i feel it that much more in concentrated doses when the rare opportunity arises to explore it. good times. but, live and learn.

this society is brutal for those of us who are sensitive types, but our sensitivities are exacerbated through prolonged energetic and emotional imbalance. we could all likely benefit with more kindness, primarily toward ourselves.

don’t be too quick to deem it a weakness, whatever it is you’re dealing with. don’t be afraid to ask for help.

solvitur ambulando

© 2018 Trance Blackman

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Published in Journal Entries