When you love someone, do you require them to behave in a way you prefer, or would you rather they were their authentic self, warts and all?
We often confuse love with the idea of love. We get attached for one reason or another, usually relating to unresolved trauma, from our earliest of years in life — even in the womb. We fear loneliness, abandonment, rejection… Physical traits may grab us, personality similarities to those who helped shape our identities, who were safe spaces for us, etc.
We’re fascinating creators, and could do with more compassion within and without.
Our society is rife with mommy and daddy issues, and while we may indeed feel self-assured, why then do struggles and suffering persist in our interpersonal relations?
I believe part of it is our collective efforts to transcend old paradigms, to clear out and transmute outdated dysfunction in our hearts, minds, and spirits. We are redefining everything, while clinging to the safety of the familiar.
Because of massive, pervasive ignorance and systemic manipulation, we are more often than not pursuing all this through painful experiences and character shaping trials.
The result is widespread feelings of victimhood, separation, fear and dissonance… But we can and will elevate.
Loving someone genuinely entails acknowledging their unique selves, not how you interpret or wish they’d be, if only you could change them for the “better”, or perhaps more accurately, how you wish they’d behave toward you.
But they treat you like shit… They’re selfish, self-centered, arrogant, brash, insensitive, whatever… And? Why not love that? Really! Look beyond the actions, not to forgive (unless forgiving yourself for expecting them to be elsewise) but to empathize with something about you that is recognized in them.
Stop tolerating that which you do not desire. Open up the space for that which aligns with you to show up. It’s all available to you. An absolute match must exist in all-that-is as sure as you yourself exist for them.
No time, energy and effort is truly wasted. There is no failure. It’s all part of the music of a life well explored, and well lived. But it may knock us on our ass once in a while.
The works of Kyle Cease, Brené Brown, Mark Manson and others of that ilk are on point in all these concerns. Counter-intuitive, revolutionary, challenging, daring, vulnerable and expansive, working to unravel the old and reinterpret the present, to reinvigorate the future. I recommend them.
How you see it, is only how you see it now, based on old stories, old hurts, old illusions and old information.