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i don’t know how many chances we get in this life to make a real connection.

they say you should be complete, all by yourself, for yourself, with yourself, then whenever someone does show up, you’re not needing them to fix you, or to fill any holes, or, most importantly, to make you happy.


yet, i’ve spent most of my life alone… still haven’t figured out how to be whole, by my own wits and design. most of my growth happens in relationships, whether they’re shitty or not.

so, there’s something deeper going on, and i’ve been understanding that more lately.

what’s incredible is that friends, family, and found family show up, always… especially when you’re open to it.

i know i’ve been a proper asshole at times over the years, working out the kinks and wrinkles in my identity. fortunately, my keen (and constant) introspection and sensitivities never let a damn thing slide… and if i don’t find the courage to apologize, i promise myself to at least try to make the lesson stick, and to grow up, a little bit more.

true friendship is rare, and it takes time, patience, and a conscious commitment. this is, obviously, the first thing we must be willing to do and be for ourselves… from whence the vibration emits.

to be able to sit in our own skin, comfortable with the critic and the praiser… sounds useful in the world.

of course this informs and deeply affects matters of the heart. of course it does. some of us try to put it off forever. some of us get stuck in neutral. some of us don’t think about it too much and just keep moving.

it’s all good, in the end. in the end, all the choices made here may get a quick review, but will hardly cause a supermassive black hole.

a lifetime, is virtually moot. i wonder where vanity, arrogance and hubris play in the universe. . .

if we wish to glean the morsels and meanings and lessons and memories, it only matters now. it matters in these waking hours, as once we emerge, the minutes and seconds are only ever counting down.

i don’t know how many chances we get… to make a real connection.

and it doesn’t matter.

solvitur ambulando

© 2018 Trance Blackman

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Published in Journal Entries