My father visited me in a dream this morning. We were talking about some old computer and how much work I’d done on it over the years… It was playful and familiar. At the end, he put his head on my shoulder, and I woke up.
It was 3:33am.
I haven’t been sleeping a lot these past weeks. Chalk it up to a personal transition, and the bookend to one of the most difficult years of my life. Not only for unique or greater challenges, but for having those happen at the same time as my decision in facing and accepting my old stories, beliefs, and patterns, and making every effort to break through, and shed my worn and beaten skin, so to speak. What comes after is a time of sensitivity and raw vulnerability, and nothing really prepares you for the intensity of some of these experiences. It is a rebirth, though it doesn’t look much different than what came before. But you start to feel and think differently, and you can’t hide behind the same bullshit barriers like you used to.
But we do survive it.
I’ve failed in ways, succeeded in others, which is how it goes. Stumble, stand, trip, fall, adapt, stand… Run, trip, fall, stand, curse at the universe… Walk on. Solvitur ambulando. These turning points are rarely beholden to one’s preferred schedule. It proceeds as it needs to, based on the participant — me — and their willingness to surrender into a wider, deeper, less familiar pool of cold and refreshing uncertainty.
My biggest mistake so far has been isolation and too much solitude. The past three years were some of the worst I’ve ever experienced, as they have been for many — especially those who chose to, and will continue to, stand squarely against the false and fraudulent narratives that are toxic and murderous to the many. Regardless, it’s arrogant to think I am here to save anyone but myself. Live the dream, but remember you’re just passing through.
They say what we see, what they want to be real.
They will try, and try, and try. That is their purpose, after all. What would life be without a nemesis, a worthy counterforce to we limitless sources of creation? You choose what’s true for you. And you choose again and again.
Tomorrow is one year.
Cheers, Josip.