WE DON’T HAVE TO WAIT
The words and deeds, actually the outlook, of all people near death are virtually the same: From Love, the priority is not on material wants and needs but on Love. Yet, let’s be clear about what this means. It means that once we believe our lives to be over, we naturally cease seeking (worth, identity, wholeness, status, to be right, and possessions) in the object-based world, so the true Self—Love—stands unveiled.
More important, it means that we don’t have to wait. Right here, right now, we can cease seeking. Because once we do, all that is truly valuable about ourselves and our lives will become obvious.
I’ve tried many variations of “chasing my dream” over the past 30 years. Nothing sticks for long, but the underlying foundation is remarkably resilient. I always return to who I really am and what is natural and normal for me to be and do. Without thinking or planning, there are things that I will engage in on a daily basis without prompting, scheduling, or consideration. The problem, if it is a problem, is that I have never fully accepted it. I have never fully accepted myself. I’ve always been seeking. Chasing. Searching. I keep trying new things and doing all kinds of pulling, stretching, and twisting of myself while in pursuit of fairly common ideas such as stability, security, or self-reliance, but it’s temporary. I return to who I am, evidenced simply, and perhaps unfailingly, by what I always tend to do. But that nagging notion of uncertainty and persistent habit of self-reproach are never far away.
Regardless of the affirmations, prayers, or positive thinking one tries to implement in their life, it matters very little. You may indeed experience a short-lived alleviation of the same old mechanistic mind noise. You may feel uplifted, finally liberated from those pesky old feelings and worries. This is the new path! This is the new you! What a glorious absolution this is!
But, in reality, none of it has any real chance of fundamentally changing anything about who you really are. So, are you lying to yourself? Or is something else going on here?
Certainly, like I have, you’ll have revelations and a-ha moments. You may finally get in touch with that child inside you and realize how they’ve been unacknowledged or disparaged and in perpetual hiding — and yet influencing everything you do. You may be guided back to your earliest of memories to discover the what, why, and how of your current values and perhaps lifelong limiting beliefs. Maybe you’ll learn to love that inner child, at long last, and all will be well with the world. It’s a beautiful thing, and potentially life-altering. Truly. Nevertheless, we all tend to have a natural resting place, or perhaps a spiritual or energetic homeostasis. Trying to overwrite our default programming and long-held conditioning doesn’t happen without a significant and permanent change in behavior, which, if we’re left to our own devices, will inevitably return us to our most familiar patterning before long.
So, this isn’t a solution, nor a good way to look at nor approach the real problem. Is the answer to be found by uprooting, selling everything, and forcing ourselves into new environments? I’ve tried that. Breaking things off with our partners because, obviously, they’re holding us back? I’ve tried that. Shuttering or otherwise running away from our business — a place we’ve poured dollars, blood, sweat, and tears into? I’ve tried that. Delving into immersive workshops and courses? I’ve tried that. Signing up for intense (and expensive) training and coaching? I’ve tried some of that, but have learned far more through direct experience by living hand-to-mouth for most of my life.
While it may be adventurous and at times artificially liberating, and I’ve certainly picked up some useful skills along the way, it’s mostly intense, unending, unfulfilling, unstable, chaotic, lonely, and unpredictable. In truth, I did it primarily because those I surrounded myself with were doing the same — our values, on some level, were in alignment — and I’ve always been more of a follower than a leader. That was my choice, so blaming anyone else is self-serving and ridiculous. Regardless, I found that I have a high tolerance for pain and have far too many times had to pretend as if bad decisions, poor planning, being lied to, and other unethical behavior were acceptable. They’re not. But when you’re primarily in “survival mode,” you tend to suppress your better knowing and ignore your moral compass. It’s cowardly, to say the least.
FROM THE HEART
The most potential-inhibiting behaviors are those with a materialistic purpose. On the contrary, the behaviors that allow our God-given potential to flourish, are those carried out as an expression of love, passion, and purpose. Sadly, most of us are seeking fame, fortune, completeness, better feelings, or a multitude of materialistic goals. So most of us are underperforming.
To be at your best: express yourself from the heart (not to gain, achieve, or become). And let the results speak for themselves.
— Garret Kramer
New Year, New Me?
Back in January and February of this year, I was, once again, in a general state of panic but, strangely, also excitement. I felt resolute about shifting my paradigm and altering my life’s trajectory. This, of course, has happened many times over the last 30 years. I again tried daily meditation, adhering to constant affirmations, and listening to guided self-hypnosis recordings in the morning and before going to bed at night. I’d done this fairly consistently for 6-7 months. I had some money in the bank, so I thought it wise to take advantage of that bit of security in order to really find myself… To try and “fix” my brokenness, and to finally, permanently, rewrite some of my story.
Then it passed. The money ran out. I went back to my usual behavior.
I was excited about day trading at the time because several months earlier I had learned about the appealing notion that maybe through working only a few hours a day I’d earn enough for basic living, though through that process, I’d garnered aspirations of grand financial plans and where I’d love to be within 5 years if I could stick to it. It was all quite logical and possible and had a rather linear, fairly predictable path. I was watching videos and learning from many others who were doing very well in the arena, but if they’re honest and not just selling overpriced courses and memberships, you discover that they had been at the game for 5 to 7 years, suffered some major losses, and had a few major successes. Over the long term, they found a rhythm, refined their methods, and wanted to pass on that knowledge. But most of us don’t have the wherewithal to follow through on something dramatically new. There’s the honeymoon period, as with most things, but then reality sets in after the novelty has worn off.
We want quick fixes, especially if we’ve cornered ourselves unnecessarily. Regardless of all the social media ads that show up regarding nonsense like “go from zero to six-figures in a month!” no lasting success happens overnight, and nobody tells you to go all-in without having some kind of steady income already in place. For me, not surprisingly, it didn’t last because I had no money to get into the game, and, of course, something else came along more aligned with who I already was.
I then went back to looking for gig work, but more specifically, recording audiobooks, amid sparse work a few old clients for whom I’d done graphic design or video production over the years. I hadn’t done audiobooks for a few years because I hadn’t had an adequate recording environment. That’s been the same long-time excuse for not producing more of my music and getting it out into the world. I’ve always enjoyed creating character voices and such, and there was potential there as recording audiobooks was well within my wheelhouse. I have the tools, the space, the time, the voice, and the quiet. However, I was soon reminded why I’d quit this kind of work in the past. It’s a ton of stressful, detailed, repetitive work that would drive me nuts, and it wouldn’t pay terribly well for quite some time. So, I moved on. Through the process, I had started to update and record audio versions of my website content, which was much needed and fulfilling in its own right. I will continue on with that work throughout the autumn and winter months.
Since May, I’ve been helping to facilitate and produce an independent romantic comedy film as well as a sci-fi adventure animated series. Old friends whom I’d been in the business with 20 years ago reconnected and had some great ideas that I wanted to be a part of making. I had “always wanted to do that,” so I pursued it. It was exciting. More things to learn. More videos and interviews to gather knowledge and wisdom from. While I’ve been on many film and TV sets over the years, I wanted to understand how all the departments work in film production, as well as figuring out how to develop and produce an animated series. Utilizing tools such as ChatGPT to flesh out concepts, gather research, and test out creative ideas has been interesting and useful as well, if not frustrating and counterintuitive.
I knew there was no money in it in the near term. But that was par for the course for me, so what did that matter, right? Pursue what you’re inspired and excited about, and it “should” sort itself out. Well, keep dreaming. The challenge comes down to persistence and perseverance, and in my lifetime, I’ve only had a few outlets where I tend to apply those generally positive traits with any regularity. I’ve learned that in the film business, you essentially have to sell the thing before investors may be interested, and government rebates and support, for the most part, happen after the fact, after you’ve spent the money that someone else gave you. It makes sense for such a volatile, unpredictable business — one fraught with fickle, fragile, and formidable egos and personalities. Every project is high-risk, even for big studios, regardless of your experience, backing, or celebrity. Also, nobody really knows what they’re doing, and most projects will never see the light of day or, I suppose, the theater projector. There are so many aspects of the motion picture business that are simply gambles and guesses. The rest comes down to business sense, tenacity, and risk management.
I’m still part of that process, but had to shift gears a little after four months. I was all-in, passionate about doing whatever I could to make it happen — at the same time, fighting my natural inclinations and old habits. And, again, I tried to wear multiple hats, taking on numerous tasks and responsibilities — because I had the time, the renewed motivation, and the genuine curiosity needed to dive in. The process has helped me to discern that I do not want to do all the jobs critical to making an independent film happen, and until people signed on to the project who actually know what they’re doing, it would require a different approach.
Before long, it’s rather overwhelming and exasperating. My mind enjoys racing a hundred miles per second when new ideas are flowing and there’s an outlet for creative impulses. And that’s how it is in the beginning with any new venture. It’s been wonderful to gain a general understanding of the entire filmmaking process, but it’s a complex machine with many moving parts and countless details to consider and, really, requires a team of like-minded people with years of varied experience in order to collaborate and create something special. And that illuminates some other things I’ve always had an aversion toward: specialization, networking, being responsible for overseeing others, and anything related to staffing or corporate practices… and sales of any kind.
I’m all about focused, individual effort and much more interested in the artistic side of things, such as writing, imagery, camera angles, editing footage, and how actors might deliver their lines. I like making things, and rather enjoyed building sets for community theater some years ago. I’d work after hours and into the night while listening to talk radio and music. I can quickly put together a website, mock-up a poster, remix a song, do research, or edit a script. But answering phone calls or organizing (or participating in) meetings? Not a high-value priority for the likes of me.
Things are slowly coming together, and that is the key ingredient. Slow and steady. Learn as you go, be honest about where your skills are best suited, and delegate and defer to professionals and creatives who love what they do or you’ll drive yourself crazy, burn out, and very likely want to walk away.
We Are Who We Are
We are who we are, even if it’s not the ideal we’d imagined, hoped, or thought we were dreaming to be. I’ve been trying to live up to what I perceive other people want for me and think I should be and do. We all do that, I guess. I’m 48, but at times, I still feel like I’m 18. But, honestly, what does that matter? I am who I am; unfortunately, for most of my life, that hasn’t been good enough — for me. It’s never good enough, and therefore nothing I seek satisfaction from outside of me is ever enough. How could it be? I’ve been largely unplugged from the true source and ignoring the impulses and invitations from the infinite.
What do you do without thinking? What do you effortlessly delve into in your day to day without anyone reminding you to do it? What is it that your body and spirit move toward without prompting, urging, convincing, or coercion? And, perhaps most critically in our world, how can you get paid handsomely to do it?
For me, the moment I have a few bucks in the bank or somebody is willing to help me with money, I return to my natural behavior. Call it stubborn, ignorant, selfish, or whatever you want. But much of my stress and anxiety come from trying to force myself to be somebody I am not — to play within the rules of an artificial construct, a forced and fake social order, and aspire to achieve some elusive and intangible something out there. Like an actor… pretending. That’s why it doesn’t work. It doesn’t last. I always go back to being the real me.
Today, the realization is that this is my real struggle to overcome and perhaps the grand lesson I have chosen to experience in this life. There will be plenty of shiny things and exciting ideas and goals and aspirations to chase, but they’re only ever pulling me away from truth. My truth.
Another aspect of this is the false dichotomy of wasting time. I often worry about investing my time and energy into something that doesn’t immediately excite me, always wanting that “hell yeah or no” feeling. I fear I’ll lose the spark and drift away from building something consistently because of money concerns. A month passes by very quickly. The side effect is that a lot of time gets wasted, with little progress made toward moving projects forward, earning anything financially, or being productive in other ways. This can lead to a downward spiral into discouragement, depression, and self-reproach, shutting down all progress, creative impulses, and excitement while amplifying frustration (well, anger). I believe this is a common trait among the artistically inclined, so I’m sure I’m in good company. But that doesn’t make it any less wasteful or draining.
I haven’t found all the answers yet, but I am grateful to have the opportunity to be able to even ask and deeply consider the questions. It is indeed about the journey, not the destination.
Solvitur ambulando
WHERE NOT TO TURN
We’re so conditioned to find peace of mind through the use of objects (strategies, techniques, possessions, routines, vacations, social media, sex, therapy, condemning others, video games, food, gambling, like-minded people, medicines, and substances) that we don’t realize that the cessation of seeking, and not the object itself, is the true basis for peace of mind. This is why seeking peace of mind in and through objects eventually results in dependency, addiction, and a loss of productivity. When peace of mind emerges, we credit the wrong thing.
Understand that, in truth, the cessation of seeking is the basis for peace of mind and when suffering arises, you’ll know where not to turn.
— Garret Kramer